Nine Ways to Kill Barry

NINE WAYS TO KILL BARRY

by Lisa Rufus

 

A black screen.

MALE VOICE (O.S.)

Hello, my name is Ba-

A single gun shot.

BANG.

A heavy THUD.

TITLE OVER: ONE.

Then

TITLE OVER: THIS IS NOT A LOVE STORY.

FADE IN:

 

INT. LUCY’S APARTMENT – LOUNGE ROOM – DAY

TITLE OVER: THE NOT-TOO-DISTANT FUTURE

An apartment, open planned, stylishly decorated with whites and greys. One wall is covered with digital photo frames, the scenes in each frame play in a loop of six seconds.

In the photos are LUCY (31, red hair, could have been a cheerleader) is photographed with her identical twin sister HARRIET (bottle blonde), Lucy’s best friend SUZY (30, tatts
and attitude, either poking her tongue out or giving the ‘punk rock’ sign with her hands), and her boyfriend BARRY (34, all biceps, all tanned). Barry has his arm around Lucy
in every photo.

Lucy, in a simple grey dress, stands in her lounge room over the dead body of BARRY ONE (one of nine clones of Barry) who wears light pants and shirt. She holds the gun in her hand. Barry One has been shot in the head but does not bleed.

A refrigerator-sized cardboard box lies empty on the floor.
It’s label reads WOOLWORTHS THE FRESH PEOPLE PEOPLE. PEOPLE MADE FRESH DAILY! PLEASE CONSIDER RECYCLING THIS BOX.

Lucy innocently looks at the uniformed DELIVERY GUY (early 20s, stoner with dreads and a permanent smile) at her front door. He talks like Theodore Logan Esquire.

DELIVERY GUY

Lucy? Lucy Hamilton?

LUCY

Sorry! Couldn’t help myself.

The Delivery Guy casually hands Lucy a computer tablet with a consignment note for her to sign.

DELIVERY GUY

Dude, it happens. But you’d better
sign this before you do that to any
of the others.

The hallway behind the Delivery Guy is filled with eight identical boxes. He maneuvers his upright trolley under one of the boxes and wheels it inside. A wheel SQUEAKS for
attention.

LUCY

Lounge is fine, thanks.

IN THE KITCHEN:

Lucy sits at the kitchen table while the other boxes are wheeled in to the lounge room. She reads over the paperwork before signing her name at the bottom.

 

IN THE LOUNGE – A LITTLE LATER:

All the boxes are in her lounge. Lucy hands the Delivery Guy his tablet.

LUCY

Thanks for that.

DELIVERY GUY

Have fun!

The delivery guy walks out the door but stops in the hallway.

DELIVERY GUY (CONT’D)

Hey, I got some weed if you wanna-

She closes the door in his face, CLAPS her hands, and does a little dance.

IN THE KITCHEN:

A communication device made from a glass screen, about the size of an A4 sheet of paper rests against a clear plastic stand on the bench. Lucy makes a video call. Suzy’s face
appears on the screen.

LUCY

They’re here. See you soon.

A wicked grin on Suzy’s face.

IN THE LOUNGE:

Lucy ends the call and sits on her couch to wait. She looks at her holographic watch, fidgets with her hands, and looks at the boxes.

IN THE KITCHEN:

Lucy gets up, sits at the kitchen table to wait. She looks at her watch, fidgets with her hands, and looks at the boxes.

IN THE LOUNGE:

Lucy stands up, looks at her watch, fidgets with her hands, and touches one of the boxes.

A moment later, she is unpacking another Barry.

BARRY TWO stands inert facing Lucy with his eyes closed. She circles him like prey. Her BREATHING gets louder. With her two fingers, Lucy squeezes Barry Two’s ear lobe.

His eyes open. His expression is vacant.

She makes fist with her right hand.

BARRY TWO

Hello, my name is Barry.

LUCY

You fucker.

Lucy punches Barry Two square in the face.

SMACK.

He falls on the floor.

THUD.

She cradles her reddening hand.

LUCY (CONT’D)

Ow! Fucker!

His body JOLTS. He literally has a screw loose.

BARRY TWO

Hello, my Barry is hello.

As if possessed by the Lord of Darkness Himself, Lucy JUMPS on Barry Two’s body, straddling him and putting her two hands around his neck, squeezing harder and harder.

LUCY

You fucking, fucking, fucker!

Barry Two makes GURGLING sounds until the fake life is slowly squashed out of his throat. With a final–

BARRY TWO

Barry-uuugnnnggghhh.

He dies.

TITLE OVER: TWO.

Lucy sits on his limp body for a moment of reflection. Calmly, she stands up, straightens her dress, and fixes her tousled hair.

A KNOCK at the front door made of frosted glass.

Lucy presses a button next to the door and the glass clears.

It’s Suzy (black dress, socks, and Docs) with a canister labelled LIQUID NITROGEN, two baseball bats, a bag, and a massive grin. Lucy quickly opens the door. It SWOOSHES like
the ones on Star Trek.

LUCY

Suzy! Hey lady!

SUZY

Are you ready to rock?!

Suzy walks inside and dumps her gear on the floor. She sees the two dead Barrys.

SUZY (CONT’D)

You couldn’t wait?

Lucy shrugs and gives Suzy a long hug.

LUCY

I couldn’t help myself.

SUZY

Yeah, well you bloody deserve some
revenge.

A RING, RING of the phone. An image of Harriet appears on the screen. Lucy takes a breath, EXHALES heavily.

SUZY (CONT’D)

I wonder what she has to say today?
(snarkily)
Please forgive me. Blah, blah,
blah. Teary sob.

The answering machine BEEPS.

HARRIET (V.O)

(filtered, teary)
Lucy, it’s Harriet. Again. This is
the forty-third day that you
haven’t spoken to me. I mean, I’m
your frikken sister. I don’t know
how many times I have to say I’m
sorry, but I’m sorry… Look, just
call–

SUZY

Ugh.

GROWLING and with her bruised hand, Lucy hits the red button on the screen ending the call. She WINCES at the pain.

IN THE KITCHEN:

Lucy gets a tea towel and some ice from the freezer then wraps it around her hand.

SUZY (CONT’D)

Yowie! Someone’s been having fun
this morning.

IN THE LOUNGE:

Suzy closely studies the two Barrys on the floor, prodding and poking their flesh.

SUZY (CONT’D)

Creepy. So life-like. No blood?

LUCY

Cost extra. And there’s no way I’m
ruining this rug for that arse
head.

SUZY

Ah.
(beat)
Why nine?

LUCY

Buy eight get one free.

SUZY

Ah. Smarts.

 

INT. LUCY’S APARTMENT – LOUNGE – A LITTLE LATER

Three empty boxes. Suzy is making a fort out of them.

BARRY THREE sits on a chair in the centre of the room. A sheet of plastic on the floor underneath him. Lucy holds a baseball bat.

LUCY

Where’s the thing?

Suzy pulls out a pair of safety goggles and industrial-type gloves from her bag, picks up the canister of liquid nitrogen and preps it for use.

LUCY (CONT’D)

You’ve done this before?

SUZY

Maybe?

Suzy points the nozzle towards Barry Three and SPRAYS him until he starts turning blue. Lucy squeezes his ear. He opens his eyes. Now frozen, his teeth CHATTER.

BARRY THREE

H-h-hello, m-m-m-y n-n-name is B-b
bar-r-r-r-y.

Suzy takes off her gloves and goggles and picks up the other baseball bat. They both pose like professional ball players.

SUZY

Hello, B-b-b-barry.
(in her best Arnie voice)
I’ll shatter your frozen body like
glass.

LUCY

Huh?

SUZY

Mr. Freeze. Batman and Robin. It’s
a classic.

LUCY

Uh, no it’s not.

Lucy shrugs. They both take a swing.

WHACK.

WHACK.

Shards of Barry Three splinter and fly across the room.

TITLE OVER: THREE.

LUCY (CONT’D)

Should have put down more plastic.

 

INT. LUCY’S APARTMENT – BATHROOM – A LITTLE LATER

The bathtub is filled with water. Sitting in the bath is BARRY FOUR.

Lucy plugs in a hair-dryer, straightening tongs, electric toothbrush into a power-pack on the basin bench.

Suzy skips in carrying a shiny, chrome toaster.

LUCY

Dude, that’s mine.

Lucy stops plugging things in and reaches for the toaster.

SUZY

Yeah, I found it in your kitchen.

Suzy pulls it away.

LUCY

Yeah, because I use it in my
kitchen.

An innocent smile on Suzy’s face.

LUCY (CONT’D)

Fine. But you owe me a new toaster.

Suzy plugs in the toaster and puts it down with the other appliances. They both put on a pair of rubber thongs.

SUZY

This is so cool.

LUCY

I know right! I’ve always wanted to
know if this works in real life.

PLOPS as Lucy drops all the appliances into the water.

SUZY

Are you saying the movies lie to
us?

LUCY

We’re about to find out.

Suzy presses Barry Four’s ear. His eyes open.

Lucy flips the power switch.

A FLASH of light from the power point.

BARRY FOUR

Hello, my-zzzzzzz.

His body convulses.

TITLE OVER: FOUR.

Lucy and Suzy high five.

LUCY

So it does work!

SUZY

Yay!
(beat)
Does he say anything else?

LUCY

No idea. Haven’t gotten that far
yet.

 

EXT. STREET OUTSIDE LUCY’S APARTMENT – DAY

Lucy closes the boot of her silver smart car. Suzy sits in the passenger seat while BARRY FIVE, BARRY SIX, AND BARRY SEVEN all powered down, sit in the back.

Lucy opens the back doors and puts seat belts on the Barrys.

Suzy raises an eyebrow.

LUCY

Safety first.

Lucy gets in the driver’s seat and presses the ignition button. The car HUMS.

SUZY

You know, we could use the transit
lane today.

She motions her head towards the back.

LUCY

Ah, smarts.
(beat)
Road trip!

They drive off.

 

EXT. TOP FLOOR OF A PARKING LOT – DAY

Barry Five and Barry Six stand on the ledge of a six-level parking lot.

Suzy pulls a video recording device from her pocket.

Lucy gets a black bowling ball and a white feather from the boot of her car. Another eyebrow raise from Suzy.

LUCY

You know, for science! I want to
know which lands first.

At the ledge, Lucy holds the bowling ball and the feather in each hand. Suzy holds the video recorder in one hand and places her other hand on Barry Five’s ear ready to activate him.

SUZY

Um… we need another hand. You
have the bowling ball and feather,
I have this thing and one Barry.
How are we going to turn on the
other one?

LUCY

Is this like that quiz with the
fox, the chicken, and the feed?

SUZY

Interesting analogy. Kinda.

Holding the bowling ball, Lucy places the feather in between the ball and her hand and places her other hand on Barry Six’s ear.

LUCY

I ace those quizzes.

They both press the Barrys’ ears and push.

Like Olympic level synchronised swimmers, Barry Five and Six, the bowling ball, and the feather all fall at the same time.

The feather is swept up by a breeze. Lucy is momentarily disappointed.

They both watch the bowling ball and Barrys falling down,down, down. The Barrys’ voices trail off…

BARRY FIVE                                           BARRY SIX

Hello, my name is–                     Hello, my name is–

 

SMACK. SMACK.

The Barrys hit the ground; limbs bent unnaturally.

And…

CRACK.

The bowling ball smashes to pieces on concrete.

TITLE OVER: FIVE. SIX.

LUCY

So, ball or Barry?

SUZY

Damn, I forgot to press record! How
frikken cool was that!

LUCY

Pretty darn cool. Shame about the
feather though. No wonder they do
this thing in a vacuum.

 

EXT. BACKYARD OF SOMEONE’S HOUSE – DAY

A LOUD CRUNCHING.

A heavily wooded back yard. Along the side of a large red shed are piles of chopped firewood.

The CRUNCHING comes from a red wood chipper in front of the shed.

Lucy and Suzy both wear safety goggles and maniacal grins. Lucy also has the industrial-type gloves from earlier.

Lucy is pushing something into the chipper while bits of flesh-coloured material fly out the other end.

We see it’s BARRY SEVEN’s leg going in knee first with a socked-foot sticking up á la Fargo.

TITLE OVER: SEVEN.

 

EXT. STREET OUTSIDE LUCY’S APARTMENT – LATE AFTERNOON

Lucy and Suzy get out of the car. Suzy looks at her feet.

SUZY

Luce.

LUCY

Yeah, Suze?

SUZY

I have to tell you something.

LUCY

Uh-huh?

SUZY

It’s about Harriet.

LUCY

Uh-huh.

They both lean against the car. Lucy crosses her arms.

SUZY

Harry calls me every day. She’s
miserable. She misses you. She’s
sorry. I don’t know how long you’re
going to take before you call her
back. I’ll support you what ever
you do. If you want to order more
Barrys to vent your anger, I’ll
totally order another can of
nitrogen. I know a guy.

Lucy lets out a small CHUCKLE.

SUZY (CONT’D)

But in all seriousness, you need to
talk to her.

Lucy’s eyes well up. She tries t o fight off the tears by fanning her face with her hands.

LUCY

I know. I… I just can’t right
now. Not after–

Suzy hands her a tissue. Lucy wipes her tears composes herself.

LUCY (CONT’D)

Grrrr.
(beat)
Anyway, you coming back up?

SUZY

Nah. I think you need to finish
this by yourself.

Lucy nods. They hug.

SUZY (CONT’D)

It has been a super fun day though.

LUCY

(smiling)
It has indeed. And thank you. For
everything.

Another hug. Suzy smiles and walks off down the street.

 

INT. LUCY’S APARTMENT – KITCHEN – NIGHT

The kitchen table has one place set for dinner: candle, cutlery, bottle of red wine, empty glass.

On the other side of the table sits BARRY EIGHT.

Lucy presses his ear, places her dinner on the table, and sits down. She pours herself a glass of wine.

BARRY EIGHT

Hello, my name is Barry. What can I
do for you?

Lucy takes a swig of wine.

LUCY

You can say sorry for one.

A vacant expression on his face.

BARRY EIGHT

Sorry for one.

A deathly glare from Lucy.

LUCY

Fucking hell. I want you to say
that you are sorry for sleeping
with my sister!

BARRY EIGHT

I am sorry for sleeping with your
sister.

Aggravated, Lucy takes another swig of wine.

LUCY

I want you to mean it!

BARRY EIGHT

I do not understand your question.

Lucy stands up, white-knuckled fists on the table.

Tears.

LUCY

Forty-three days ago, you, the real
you, slept with my sister. My twin
fucking sister. You have no idea
how angry you have made me. I
wanted to fucking kill you. But my
therapist suggested that I get a
bunch of clones and take my anger
out on them instead of committing a
homicide.

Still nothing from Barry Eight.

Lucy SLAMS her fist. The cutlery CLINKS as it bounces up and down a little from the table.

LUCY (CONT’D)

Damn it! I want you to say you’re
sorry, that you’re really, truly
sorry. Mean it!

BARRY EIGHT

I do not und–

Lucy reaches down and picks up a loaded crossbow from under the table, aims at him, and shoots.

THWACK

LUCY

Ugh. It’s like talking to a brick
wall. You really are like Barry.

Lucy wipes away her tears, finishes her glass of wine and starts to eat her dinner.

TITLE OVER: EIGHT.

 

INT. LUCY’S APARTMENT – KITCHEN – DAY.

Lucy in a pale green dress HUMS a cheerful tune as she sits at the kitchen table with her computer. On the screen are the same digital photos that adorn Lucy’s lounge room wall.

The images of the real Barry in each photo are highlighted.

She presses ‘DELETE’. Barry is removed from the photos.

She tilts her head back. EXHALES. Smiles.

IN THE LOUNGE:

We see the digital photos reset themselves, playing in a loop, but without Barry’s image.

Eight empty boxes flattened and stacked neatly on the floor. One box remains upright.

Lucy places items in a small box marked ‘BARRY BURN BOX’. A hat, t-shirts, pressed flowers, Valentine’s Day cards.

IN THE LOUNGE – A LITTLE LATER:

We see the back of Lucy as she walks out the front door of her apartment.

All the boxes in the lounge are empty.

 

EXT. EMPTY BEACH – EVENING

A dormant funeral pyre on the beach. BARRY NINE lies atop a pile of logs wet with petrol.

Lucy stands, poised, calm. Beside her is the ‘BARRY BOX’. In her hand, a lit candle.

LUCY

I’m still mad at you, Barry. So
very mad. But I can’t go on like
this. This is not who I am.
I need to move on. You’re just not
worth the effort anymore.

Lucy presses Barry Nine’s ear. He opens his eyes.

BARRY NINE

Hello, my–

Lucy throws the candle onto the pyre.

A ROARING WHOOSH as the fire grows, CRACKLING and POPPING.

Barry Nine’s body melts like wax.

One by one, Lucy throws an item from the box into the fire.

LUCY

Bye, Barry.

From behind, her silhouette glows.

TITLE OVER: NINE.

 

INT. LUCY’S APARTMENT – KITCHEN – NIGHT

Lucy stares at the blank screen of her telephone. She fidgets with her hands and nearly presses the call button.

She hesitates.

Lucy stands up and paces back and forth. She shakes her hands as if they were wet. She slows down her breathing and mouths counting from one to ten.

Closed eyes. A DEEP BREATH.

Lucy sits down in front of the phone and dials a number.

Harriet’s face appears on the screen, surprised.

HARRIET

(filtered)
Lucy?

LUCY

Hi.

 

INT. THE REAL BARRY’S APARTMENT – STUDY

It’s dark.

From behind, we see the silhouette of the real Barry sitting at his desk in one of those fancy ergonomic chairs.

The only thing on the desk is a laptop. His face is illuminated by the glow of the screen. He TAP, TAP, TAPS on the keyboard.

Over Barry’s shoulder we see what is on the screen.

Barry is uploading an image of Lucy to a web site.

The web site title reads:

‘WOOLWORTHS THE FRESH PEOPLE PEOPLE. PEOPLE MADE FRESH DAILY’

A black screen.

Then

 

TITLE OVER: ONE.

FADE OUT.

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